Go Foward, Stand Still, Go Backward

The last few days have been a bit crazy. I avoided posting a couple times last week because I tend to rant. Things have gone wonky around my life, so to allow it to stay wonky here, I stepped away.

This is a place for me to write what I would like, when I would like but when it involves others, I try to use restraint. I am not always good at it but I do try. So what do you do when you get stuck? What do you do when you have to step out of your comfort zone? What do you do when you have to address wrongs and broken trust? 

I personally have stepped away. Most of the time I avoid it all because of past issues in my life. I do not like confrontation and in the past, addressing issues, wrongs and broken trust always turned into confrontation. I have avoided confrontation for over ten years now. I have not stood up for myself for ten years now. When things take a turn, when someone does something to me, against me or when I realize the extent of what is going on I would compose a letter, and run. 

I would tell them what I knew, how I felt, what I watched, what I kept in and I would mail it so there was zero confrontation. I would do whatever it took to avoid and get away. My past did a number on me and not in a good way. I was so afraid of being honest with people for fear of what they would say, what they would try and twist and how they would try and turn it on me. 

Before I would send the letter though, I would avoid them forever. I would collect as much information to make sure I wasn’t crazy and had my facts. It had become a true avoidance masterpiece when you looked at it. I had all my ducks in a row, so that if I did have to see them after all was said and done, I had my armor all on and ready to go.

I was a pathetic, hiding, scared soul. I did this with everything in my life! Friends, ex-landlords, ex-husbands (or would be ex) and the list went on. I was always in defense mode. I was always ready to pounce and never ready to listen. I was so tired of defending what I had found (in my past) that I had lost the ability to trust myself. 

I was no longer a good person. I gave up on listening to what people were saying because I didn’t want to have to listen and change. I didn’t want to have to forgive. When it all really came to light what I was doing to myself, I had to make a huge choice. Was I got to move forward, stand still or move backwards. I had to make a choice to move forward. I still have times when I am stuck standing still or I want to revert back to the way I ran from it all. However those options do not teach my children how to deal with life.

I have had to grow a backbone. I do listen now but I am slow to respond. I will avoid communication if I ask for a break and it isn’t given. I need time to process things. Do not mistake what I am doing now as being a doormat because I am not. It may seem cruel and heartless but it isn’t. I am protecting them and I am protecting me. I am giving myself time to process. 

I do have a select few I turn to that I use as a sounding board. I am not using my own judgment anymore. I am asking for others opinions. When I have a clear vision, when I have prayed and have had an answer, I will have a conversation with the person. There is a real good possibility they won’t appreciate what I say. I do not just roll over anymore and say, “It’s okay.” I process and let them know where I stand. 

I am taught as a Christian I need to forgive. That is great but forgiving does not mean forgetting and it doesn’t mean wiping the slate clean and allowing myself to fall right back into the same situation. If I don’t trust anymore, I will tell you. If I can’t have a relationship with you anymore, I will tell you. It doesn’t mean that it can’t get back to what it was, but that takes time and because of my past, it takes a lot of time. 

I lay it out and then the rest is up to you. Are you going to accept what I have said or is it going to make you want to run and hid like I used to do? 

Life is full of choices and when you have to make changes it isn’t always easy. I fought these changes for a long time. I could not stay the same anymore though. I had to step out of my comfort zone. I had to move forward. I had to listen to what Christ’s word was saying to me and what I was being directed to. 

I have been really good at hiding from what I needed to do to change. That is over. The new me, I am not sure I really like her and I know I am not where I need to be yet. But I am so much closer to who I need to be than I was, even a year ago. I am not a doormat anymore, I am a woman who has a backbone, and I am a woman who doesn’t just pounce but weighs my options and what is laid before me. 

How you had to make some scary changes in regards to how you deal with things? How had it worked for you? Did you jump in head first or did you dip your toes and try to run from it, like me?