You Have To Be Resilient To Make It Through Life

The problem is so many people think and feel they should not have any difficulty going through life. The solution is we have to be willing to learn to be resilient because difficulty does exist.

Life is hard and I have been through my fair share of difficulties. Unless you are in my inner circle or personally in my life you probably do not know most of what I have dealt with and how I have overcome it.

The key though is I am resilient. I am emotionally resilient. I am physically resilient. I am mentally resilient. I am resilient.

I am pretty sure I have been most of my life but I didn’t always acknowledge it. But, if I am not willing to acknowledge that I do get knocked out and that there is something inside me that helps me get back up, I am truly missing out on helping others!

What is the hardest thing you have gone through? A partner cheating? Sexual abuse from someone you knew? Rape from someone you knew or even someone you didn’t know? A divorce? Abuse in a marriage or relationship? Financial ruin? Self-abuse?

The list of things is endless, how you respond is not.

I am a hot air balloon. I can be high up in the sky and see God’s artwork, which I am a part of and I can be down deflated on the ground where no one can see me but those who are close. But no matter where I am, I have the potential to fly high and go far, I just have to light my resilient fire.

Have you had times where you have no idea how you are going to keep on going? Maybe you are on the ground now and need help getting your fire lite again. Ask to join my inner circle by clicking here!

The Purpose Of Proverbs

I started using the NLT version a lot more when I am using the YouVersion app.

Today in my 90 days of reading through the Bible I got to Proverbs and this just hit me. The Purpose of Proverbs!

It is beautiful…

“Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline, to help them understand the insights of the wise.” We are so blessed! Have you ever thought about how in the old testament times they didn’t have the Holy Spirit in them. They had to memorize everything! Most days I can’t recall what I ate for breakfast how in the world am I going to memorize the O.T.?! And yet, we are so blessed! God left us this amazing gift, the Bible. It is God-breathed. It is His love letter to us. He wants us to be wise and He has left this wisdom for us to use and learn from.

“Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser.” Lord, I know I have so much room for growth and I am not as wise as I should and could be. Please use Your words to seep into my soul. Gift me with knowledge and wisdom and allow me to feel Your Holy Spirit within the depths of my soul. ~ Amy

Do you love learning? Do you love the Bible and discovering new things you hadn’t see before? Did anything jump off the page at you? Would you like to join my inner circle? Click here to do that!

Change Your Mindset and Change Your Life!

So many people talk about things they want to change or how they plan on changing but then fall short. The solution is a mind change because nothing changes until you have a real inside change and that begins in the mind.

I know you have been here. You look in the mirror and are truly dissatisfied with what you see. It doesn’t have to be something major, it can be as simple as your hairstyle. But it is the discontent that stricks a cord with me. When you are dissatisfied and have discontent, something much deeper is going on. There is a huge difference between, “I want a new hairstyle.” and, “I hate the way my hair looks.” And this can be applied to anything in your life!

I want a change and I hate the way this looks are two very different things!

Change is hard but it is worth it. Change takes work, daily work, but it is worth it. It is the small steps that take you the furthest. It is the hard steps, that make the biggest changes.

The mindset is huge. You see, for years I believed I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t skinny enough. I wasn’t healthy enough. I just wasn’t…..enough!The mindset is huge. You see, for years I believed I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t skinny enough. I wasn’t healthy enough. I just wasn’t…..enough!

I would try to exercise. I would lose weight and then gain it all back plus some. I would try programs that included pills and shakes and I would look amazing and then it would all change and I would go back to where I was, plus some.

My health was in jeopardy. I was getting sicker and sicker each and every year. I was put on more and more and more pills. My reactions and side effects of each were getting worse and worse.

When I looked in the mirror I could not stand what I saw. Any of me! My hair, my weight, my looks, my smile. The list goes on but you get it. Basically there was nothing about myself I could enjoy. And I kept on trying to change my outsides but never bothered to touch my insides. I didn’t understand the importance of changing my insides before ever attempting to fix anything else about me.

When my insides were broken, nothing else could ever be fixed because I was broken. I was damaged. Even when I was my ideal weight, my hair cut was complimented all the time, people would tell me I was glowing and I would go home and cringe. I still saw all my flaws and my mind saw each and every broken thing about me. That is, except the brokenness inside of me.

Now, I may not look healthy on the outside but I am 100% healthier than I have been since I was 8 years old. My mind wins battles daily. I am even making daily healthier choices that are helping my body.

I still take capsules and I still eat shakes but they are not full of chemicals and fake things I can’t even pronounce. They are full of whole food nutrition and I know it benefits my body. I am getting into working out every day, and for me that means yoga.

Changing your mind is a battle but victory changes the outcome of the war.

Nothing changes until you change your mind and your insides. Are you ready to make a change? I am getting ready to do a 5-day stress release challenge. Really easy, no purchase necessary, and it is completely beneficial for anyone. Would this be something you are interested in? I have been doing this for a while for myself and it is one of the ways I began to change my mindset!

Just Think About It…

What does this mean to you?

Over the years, for myself, it has changed. But I think I finally get it and understand it and am doing it.

Tell me, what does this mean to you?

Transparency in 2019

Transparency is not easy to do, especially when it comes to healthy and weight. Who wants to put it out there for the world to see how much you weight, put photos up and invite them into what you hope to do and the struggles to accomplish them. 

I say the struggles because it has been a struggle for me. From a young age, I was and still am an emotional eater. When I am not an emotional eater, I am a bored snacker. When I am not a bored snacker, I starve myself. So as you can see, I have not had the best relationship with food. 

So today on January 1, 2019, I got up and went into the bathroom. I got these clothes on and got on the scale. I took a photo of the weight. I went into the living room and have my Bella take a set of 4 photos. Then I went and created an image. It has taken me almost 10 hours to post this. 

It takes vulnerability, bravery, transparency, confidence, and a willingness to be hurt to post this. I am not happy with my current health. I am not happy with my current activity level. I am not happy with my current eating habits. I am saddened by the actions of those around me when they to try and guilt me when I won’t try a bite, or won’t gladly accept the treat they got me, because if it hurts their feelings I no longer care because this is about me. It is about me being here for my children, my family, my grandchildren, and the best one of all: FOR ME!

On January 7th I am starting the healthy living revolution nutrition program. I am already implementing a lot of these things and today it created a lot of tears. When Bella asked for a snack from the store and I said, “sure but it has to be a healthy one.” And she picked fruit gushers and I said, “not healthy”. I gave her a long list of options and threw her tears picked nothing over healthy. It is okay, it is a process, for all of us. 

So, welcome to my journey, my whole health journey. If anyone would like to join me on this journey, comment or message me. If anyone is curious what the Shred is about, let me know and I can add you to a group that has every question answered you could think of. If you just want to watch, I hope it helps you on your journey and encourages you. 

Radical Faith

Have you ever noticed that when you are in tune with God, He shows you things you never would have thought about on your own? I am noticing it more and more as time goes on.

As I have been praying about what I need to be doing in life, to bring glory to God, He has brought something and someone amazing to mind. Let me talk to you about a person who truly has radical faith. First though I need to share two stories with you that God brought to me while I was praying for this person and how He showed me this man’s radical faith.

Have you ever heard the story of Abraham and Isaac? It is told in Genesis 22:1-19

Abraham Tested
22 Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

2 Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”

3 Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. 4 On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. 5 He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”

6 Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, 7 Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?”

“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.

“The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?”

8 Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together.

9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10 Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. 11 But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”

“Here I am,” he replied.

12 “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”

13 Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. 14 So Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”

15 The angel of the Lord called to Abraham from heaven a second time 16 and said, “I swear by myself, declares the Lord, that because you have done this and have not withheld your son, your only son, 17 I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, 18 and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed, because you have obeyed me.”

So there are some things that really stand out to me when this was brought to me while in prayer: one thing is Abraham had one son, Isaac. Abraham was told to take Isaac and to make him a burnt offering to God. Abraham didn’t beg and plead with God. Abraham didn’t question what God’s motives were for this. He just knew that God was telling him that Isaac had to be a sacrifice and Abraham was going to follow through.

Another thing that stuck out to me was that Isaac didn’t question what Abraham was doing. Yes, he mentions that there was no lamb but when Abraham responds with God will provide it, he just kept on trusting Abraham and God.

That last thing that really stuck out to me was once Abraham and Isaac were up on the mountain, Abraham built an altar and arranged the wood. Abraham then bound Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. He was about to kill his son when Abraham was stopped by the angel. Even as I write this I am struck by the fact that Abraham just kept on moving forward. He was going to kill his only child, his only son. Not only that but Isaac allowed his father to bound him, place him on top of the altar and wood knowing what his father was about to do. Isaac didn’t try to run away. Isaac didn’t try to talk Abraham out of it. Isaac just knew and had faith in both his father and God. He trusted that whatever was to come, was what needed to be done.

Have you ever heard the story of Jesus calling his first disciples? It is told in Matthew 4:18-22

Jesus Calls His First Disciples

18 As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. 19 “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will send you out to fish for people.” 20 At once they left their nets and followed him.

21 Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John. They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets. Jesus called them, 22 and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him.

Fishermen were not poor, ignorant men during Jesus’ time. I had no idea until a few years ago that fishermen were not poor. I am not sure why I thought this all these years, but I did. It was a few years ago that my pastor explained how wealth they actually were. That they were truly smart, knew multiple languages and were truly not just fishermen, they were businessmen.

(We have a surprisingly good picture of the scale of Simon Peter and Andrew’s fishing operation. They worked in partnership (Lk.5:7) with James and John, the sons of Zebedee (Lk.5:10), who had employees (Mk.1:20). They were free to start (Jn.21:1-3) and stop work (Lk.5:11) when it suited them. The impression that they were men of substance who controlled their own lives is confirmed by the quality of their house at Capernaum. Known as the House of Peter since the fourth century, it is larger than most of the other houses excavated in Capernaum. But that is not all. Although no evangelist was interested in providing his readers with a detailed picture of the families of Jesus’ disciples or of their business practices, we can read between the lines. Given the average size of families at the time, it seems very likely that more of the family must have been involved in the fishing business on the Sea of Galilee than just Simon Peter and Andrew, and the family income would have been proportionally greater than that of two men working alone. Against this background of a relatively well-off family, it becomes possible to understand how Simon Peter and Andrew were financially able to drop their work and become, first, disciples of John the Baptist (Jn.1:40-42) and then disciples of Jesus.)

Now let me tell you about this person, Daran. You see Jack and I met almost eleven years ago now. We met in a bar and we met because of Daran. I had been going out with friends to this place and singing karaoke on Friday and Saturdays when I did not have the boys. I had been doing this every other weekend for about three months. Then near the end of December, Daran and Jack showed up.

Let’s fast forward a little bit. I got back to God. I got back to going to church. I got back to Bible study. I got back to feeling peace and knowing that everything was going to be okay. That led me to a place though that meant I was not having out with Jack and his friends on a regular basis.

There was nothing against any of them. I prayed for them and loved them where they were at, but I knew I could easily fall back into drinking and making bad choices if I was around them often. So I did what I did best, avoided them. I did not prevent Jack from being around them and doing things with them, I just often made the choice not to be involved.

Now fast forward even further and Daran made some serious changes in his lift last year. He gave up the partying, the drinking and he truly sought Jesus and having a relationship with him. I knew somethings were changing in his life, but I didn’t really know what was going on. Jack never really shared what was going on, just that his marriage fell apart, and he was changing.

Jack would go check on him to make sure he was okay. Jack would hang out with him but I still didn’t know what was going on in Daran’s life. That is until July of this year. Daran was celebrating one year of sobriety and we went to support him as a family. The kids swam in the pool. There was some cornhole played. There was a cookout. It was a good day.

Now fast forward again to current times. Daran is working on putting together a non-profit organization to help people. Those people currently are middle to high schoolers. He has been coming on Friday nights and helping with my kids and Brit’s kids. He has been bringing kids to Friday nights. We have been spending more time together in the last few months than in the past eleven years of me knowing him.

I have been praying for him and for his mission. I have said a few times to Jack that he has more courage than I do. You see a long time ago (when I actually figured it out, it has been about 22 years since I started to have this thought) a local business went out of business. Knowing the problems I had created for myself as a teen, I knew there was a lot of room on the NE end of town for a place for teens to go after school. A place for them to be able to hang out, a place for them to be mentored, a place for them to do school work and get help, a place for them to find themselves and to see where their life could go if they made right choices. (At that time, I was not so Focus on God being in it, over the years He has come into that vision).

It isn’t really courage though. He has radical faith. He is Abraham. He is Isaac. He is Peter, James and John.

I was praying for Daran and these are the images, the stories that God brought to my mind. Daran has this blind faith. He is doing what God is asking him to do and he isn’t questioning it. He gave up a six figure (I’m guessing) income to make pennies compared to before. He is putting his home up for sale knowing that if he is offered this number he is selling it and if he doesn’t get an offer with a specific number he will hold onto it until later.

He is moving forward not truly knowing where God is taking him. He is praying. He is listening. He has made Jesus his best friend and he is doing what is asked of him. He doesn’t question. He has no clue what is going to come next. He doesn’t know if his house is going to sell. He doesn’t know anything and yet he has this radical faith that God is going to be right there with him because God asked him to do these things for Him!

I have never in my life known anyone who is like this. I have never know a person who is so in love, so on fire, so trusting, so radical in their relationship with Christ.

Have you really ever known anyone who was asked to give it all up like Abraham, Isaac, Peter, James and John? Have you really ever known anyone who was not only asked to give it all up but then proceeded to do exactly what was requested of them? I can say I have not, until now.

You may be thinking currently if radical faith requires you to give up your job, sell your house, and form a non-profit you have no desire to have radical faith. That is really what it means though. Having radical faith is about having a relationship with God and being the unique you He created you to be. It is about your relationship and doing what is asked of you.

For you to have radical faith, it may mean God asking you to smile at the grumpy lady in the grocery store. It may mean mowing your neighbors lawn even when you don’t want to. It may mean turning the television off and spending 30 minutes with Christ, alone! It may mean picking up the phone for the call you really don’t want to take because it means you are going to be asked to do something you don’t want to do.

For you to have radical faith, it means that you have to have a relationship with Christ so you know when He is asking you to do something and then doing it. Radical faith isn’t about giving it all up, it is about a relationship with God, trusting in what He is asking you to do in the moment and actually following through and doing it.

I have been asked many things by God and there have been many things I haven’t done. I can’t say I follow through on my radical faith all the time, but I can say I am praying for someone who currently is!

I Have Been Quiet

I am around. I am thinking. I am cleaning. I am making it through the first week of school.

When the summer comes, I have a schedule and we did really good about sticking to it. I did indulge in the kiddos more than I had planned to (that sounds bad) but it was perfect. We swam, we went to the library, we walked, we played, we overall had a really good summer. That has come to an end though and this was our first week of school.

I am proud to say that tomorrow is the last day of school for the week and I am almost 99% positive that we are going to make it our first full week without any absences. Unfortunately for my children, they have my poor immunity. There has not been a year up to this point that one of my children has not missed at least one day the first week of school. It isn’t that they want to miss, but by day three they are typically feeling miserable and have a fever before heading to bed and by day four they are missing school because of the fever.

We are not without feeling sick. Jack David is complaining of a sore throat and his cough is starting. But I know it is from a runny nose this time. Currently he is sleeping in my bed with a diffuser going and we doubled up on his fruit, veggie and berry chews today. Plus add to all of that, he is growing so his legs are waking him up from the pain. He has not started a fever though and by now, he would have the fever. So I am about 99% positive both of the children will make it to school tomorrow.

As we are getting into the school year, I am also refocusing on our business. I did a lot of slacking over the summer that I had not planned on doing. The positive thing though is that we were still getting our residual checks, they just were not growing much. So I have decided it is time to do some serious focusing on it. It is time to really help others to get healthier and to help others realize their dreams as well!

Along with refocusing on our business, I have joined a group to help with that. Our team started some teams that are here to help everyone duplicate, encourage, support, correct, help and grow. It is two folds actually. There is the big group of people who are all working toward the same goal and then there are smaller pods within the group who is your small group help. So far, just listening to the first meeting and then talking in the small group, I am really encouraged. I am getting laser focused and I already accomplished more than I could have imagined!

So I have been quiet but I have had some things going on. I do have a favor to ask though: prayers, good vibes or even just passing this on to others who pray would be truly appreciated.

There is a lot of pain, heartache and sorrow going on around the world, in our country, states, communities and those who are close to each of us. Please pray for those who are being affected by Harvey. There is a lot of scary things going on down in Texas right now. I have friends who have reported that when they went down to help with their boats, people are acting stranded and then trying to rob those who are helping or are even shooting at those who are helping. Why? So everyone who is helping, who is stranded, who has lost their homes, belongings and even family and friends, please pray.

I also have a lot of people around me who are dealing with cancer: Dana, Gary, Brison, Heather, Terry, Megan, Bobby, Michael and a few who have asked to remain unknown. Please pray for their healing (whatever God has planned for their personal healing). Please pray for peace for the one who has the cancer and the families. Please pray for guidance with tough decisions that need to be made. Please pray for all of the healthcare workers who are there to help.

So much has been going on in our personal life that I often feel like “our” issues are so minor to what others are going through. And yet, God loves and cares about each one of us, each tear that falls and all that troubles each and every one of His children. There are a lot of things happening. Just please pray.

When You Realize How Blessed You Are

There isn’t much I don’t appreciate these days. So many of my friends; whom I consider family, have cancer, health issues, financial issues, relationship issues, and other things that can be overwhelming. Each person feels things differently and so there is no way to compare each persons pain but there are so many who are suffering.

I am not without my own pain but I have gotten back to being in His Word. You see I had fallen away from my daily time with Christ. That had caused me to focus on what was going wrong in my life instead of focusing on what is good, what was going right, what was a blessing in my life. I wasn’t seeing anything but bad.

Six days ago, I got back into my daily time. Six days ago I started to open up my Bible app every day and read the verse of the day, read three plans I had stopped and feeling closer to God. One day three, I started to feel content again. I started to look at the positive things. I started to see my blessings again.

One the second day of doing the getting into the devotions I read Psalm 143 and it spoke to me in so many ways.

Lord, here my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me swell in the darkness
like those long dead.
So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.

Answer me quickly, Lord;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
Rescue me from my enemies, Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

For your name’s sake, Lord, Preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.

It isn’t that my problems went away. It isn’t that my pain disappeared. It is that my focus shifted. I was looking to God when I started to focus on the issues that are in my life. I would start to pray when the anxiety would creep up.

I started to focus on my spiritual warfare again.

Today, the verse of the day is Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Not only is it the verse of the day, it was in my Devotional about Fighting an Invisible Enemy. It really made me think.

Every day I should be putting my spiritual armor on. Ephesians 6:11 says “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” The belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit. And I need to be praying in the Spirit on ever occasion with all of my prayers and requests.

I am not perfect and my life is not perfect. But I am finding joy in the little things. I am turning to Christ when I am struggling and overwhelmed. I am giving it over to Him because I know that even during the hard time, He has me and He will help me grow and make it through.

Yesterday we celebrated my parents birthday’s. They were both born in August only a year and a few days apart. This allows us at the end of each summer to have one more big family get together. We are able to enjoy food, swimming, company and family.

Yesterday’s get together also brought a lot of laughter with it. It has been a long time since our family has laughed and had this much fun. We enjoy each other. We support each other. We laugh with each other. And yesterday had a huge cupcake fight.

No one was spared. It started with me, getting Bella in the face. Which lead to her having a meltdown. I finally got her into the house to clean her face off and here comes my mom with a smurf face and teeth. I step outside and see that there is neon pink, green, blue and yellow every where.

When I say every where, I mean on just about every person, the dog, the ground, the deck and chairs. I sat down in a chair and was covered in frosting very quickly. My brother and sister in law escaped for a little bit. They ran into the house, pulled the door shut and locked the door while their youngest daughter threw a cupcake at them and hit the window.

I then encouraged my nieces to grab a cupcake and run around the house and go in through an unlocked door to get them. They did and it was a great moment.

Here is the biggest thing for me: had I not gotten into His Word days before, had I not gotten my focus off of the negative I would not have been able to enjoy this past Sunday. I would have been focusing on the negative things. I would not have had a good time with my family like I was able to.

I would not have enjoyed the food. I would not have enjoyed the kids laughing. I would not have enjoyed the stressful moments. I would not have been able to laugh myself. I would not have been able to just enjoy the last fun moments of summer with the amazing family God has given to me.

If you are struggling, I encourage you to build your relationship with God. Speak to Him every day. Pray in the Spirit when you are struggle. Laugh with Him. Cry with Him.

You are His child and He loves you!

America’s Got Talent & The Voice

There is talent all over the world. I have never been a huge fan of shows like American Idol and some of the other shows like that. However there are two shows I have come to love: America’s Got Talent and The Voice.

We gave up cable a while ago. Financially it just made sense. We still needed internet and we have a smart TV and an Amazon Fire TV. So we watch Youtube and we also have Netflix. I do not get to see the most current shows that I used to love but that is okay.

We survive without live TV. I never thought it would work for a few in the house but overall everyone has adjusted great.

Now I just want to share a few of my favorite people from these shows. Music speaks to my soul. The people who sing, write, and perform these songs all have stories. Guess what? Those stories speak to my soul. My husband is assured that when we had cable that I would cry during each of those shows at least once.

Chris Medina was on America’s Got Talent but I can’t find that video now.

 

If I am picking the music I am listening to, most of the time it is going to be some form of Christian music. It just speaks to me. I can sing, praise, and cry out to God. I also find that it just feeds the soul. So often I can get into my car and feel frustrated or defeated and then I start the car and a song will be on.

My whole attitude is changed. My outlook is better. I feel His presence and I just feel better. I feel His comfort. I know that no matter what happens, it is going to be okay. He is with me.

Does music ever speak to you like this?

Trusting Your Path

Trusting the path you are on is not always easy. Today I have done a lot of thinking and praying and being frustrated and praying some more.

I have talked about the Tower Garden a few times before. After many long talks, we finally decided to purchase one a couple weeks ago. So very excited and I could not wait for it to get here. It arrived last night.

Because of some disappointing news at the end of last week, I have been trying to decide if we should send it back. I probably should but seeing how Jack is now eating a lot of salads on top of me eating at least one a day, in the end it will save us money. It is just a matter of trying to figure out how to make it work until the point it is paid for.

So today we spent some time setting it up. All we have left to do is get the seeds going in the rockwool and soon we will have our own vertical aeroponic fresh garden that is feeding our family year round.

Then came the talk from Jack. If Adam isn’t going to be living here anymore we should make his room a bedroom and office. We can put your computer desk in there to get it out of the kitchen so in the winter we can put the Tower Garden in there.

I may have been a bit unhappy with that suggestion. While deep down I know Adam isn’t coming back home, I am not ready for him to be gone. I get it, I have three other children who are still living in the home. We don’t have our basement because it flooded twice and we can’t repair it. It would be better to have only five people living on the main level instead of six. It would be better to only have to feed five people instead of six.

Still it hit me hard. I felt like I had a knife stabbed into my chest. He hasn’t been here since the 23rd of July. I rarely get a text from him. He never calls and rarely picks up the phone when I call. And yet, the thought of changing his room hurts. He is my baby and with him not living here, I won’t see him or hear from him hardly at all. It is just who he is as a person.

Trusting the path I am on and trusting the path he is on and trusting the path our family is on – it is hard.

There is no way to say for certain that any of the choices you make are the right ones. You can pray about it. You can talk about it with God. You can confirm it with what others say that affirm it. Yet there is still a chance, it is going to turn out wrong.

We do not have control over anything but ourselves and our choices. We could be making all the correct choices and someone else’s bad choice could still cross paths with our good choice.

I opened all my notes from boot camp today and was reflecting upon some of them. Some of the people quoted Joan of Arc. Some of the people quoted Wonder Woman. Some of the people quoted Eric Worre. Some of the people quoted Brene Brown. I wrote a lot of quotes down but one of them really stuck out to me.

When Joan of Arc was telling the General she was going to lead the troops into battle he wasn’t favorable with his response. He said, “Not a man will follow you.” and her response was, “I won’t be looking back to see if they’re following me.”

That really got me thinking. She had messages from God. She knew her path was right. She didn’t care if they followed her because God told her to do this. She didn’t have to worry about if they were following her because she trusted the path God had placed her on. She was acting and God would act because of it.

I may not be getting messages from any angel that God sent to me but He does send me plenty of signs. To have the faith she had would be amazing because I do not believe I have that faith. It takes me a long time to truth the path He has placed me upon and then I still question it once I am going down it.

Trust is a hard thing. Why is it so hard though? For me, I am human and I have been hurt by other humans. I have hurt others humans. I have been a horrible person to some people. That is why it is so hard trusting because I place God in that human form. Guess what? He isn’t though!

God is good. God doesn’t want bad things to happen to any of His children. He didn’t have this plan for us. He knew it would happen but it wasn’t His plan. He gave us freewill so we could choose. He knew what we would choose and still He allowed it all to happen, even though it wasn’t His plan.

We are pretty darn amazing at screwing things up. He is pretty darn amazing at being there for us no matter what. He has given us grace.

Today is the start of a new month. Today is the true start of having to figure things out again. Life is great at throwing you curve balls and most of the time, I don’t catch them because they hit me square in the chest. I have had to really just give it all up to God because I have run out of options to figure it out myself.

I just said to someone the other day, “You can’t keep on rescuing her because then you are not allowing her to have to rely upon God.” In many ways it was a huge slap in my own face. Those words hit me hard. I haven’t fully been trusting because I have always been looking for a way to fix it all myself.

I am not saying we don’t have a responsibility to act and do our part. However when we are not just praying, when we are not working on our relationship with Him, when we are looking for solutions and just jumping in feet first (or even head first), we are not trusting our path. We are trying to create our own path and figure it out instead of doing His will for us and following His path.